I honestly used to hate myself… Oh that word…Hate… It makes me cringe. My mother always told me that we should never hate. We may dislike, but hate is such a strong word. I don’t hate anybody and don’t think I ever really did. I have disliked people so much I never wanted to speak to them again but I still loved them and kept them in my prayers because that is what I was raised to do. But in all my love for other people I was carrying around a deep rooted hate of myself. I didn’t like the way I looked, or felt, or how I was treated by society. I suffered depression, anger, bitterness and many times and hid it well and others not so much. I walked around, most days, with a forced smile while deep inside I wanted to die. In my search for happiness and a sense of belonging again a drifted away from God and was on a path of self destruction and it was honestly all because I hated being me.
In 2003 I gave birth to my daughter and my life finally meant something to me. It was no longer just about me but about her. This tiny little person was completely dependant upon me. I pushed on through life for her but she was the only thing about me me that I loved.
I settled in life for far to long thinking I didn’t deserve the best, but we all deserve the best life has to offer. About three years ago I decided that I had enough pain to last a lifetime and I needed to take care of myself. I left a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and the hardest part of that was leaving behind his 3 amazing children who I will always consider mine. I took my daughter and started a new path in life… It’s been bumpy but it’s been worth it. Her and I are both stronger because of what we have gone though together. The new path led me to Jeff. He may not be perfect but I know he loves me and even when he’s frustrating me I still love him. Finding him would have never been possible if I hadn’t have learnt to trust God and love myself.
I may not have what society views as a perfect body, or a perfect life. We may not have a ton of money or all the answers to life’s questions. I may still get down sometimes but hey that’s life. God has brought me through a lot. I know that I love myself, finally. I am perfect in all my imperfections.